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The True Thoughts of the “Worried Stock Market Guys”

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We’ve all seen them: news photos of traders looking really, really worried while standing around Bloomberg Terminals. Whenever stocks slide, harried media people use these images as visual shorthands for “oh no, we’re worried about the market!” (We’d advise against worrying, for what it’s worth.) But what are these iconic fretters actually thinking and talking about on the trading floor? It’s not always what you think. In the spirit of enterprise journalism (not really) we found the truth (umm…?) about their candid conversations.

If something doesn’t happen in Succession soon, I’m out, I swear. The show’s lost narrative momentum. The writers love the characters too much; that’s the problem.

Check out this ladybug on my finger! Seriously, check it out. What a little gift!

OK, OK, write this down: after the bridge, it goes: “Oooh, baby, baby, baby. Don’t go, mmmm.”

Whoaaaa. Ice Breakers are so minty it’s almost too much.

OK, listen: it’s a light dusting of confectioners sugar — a light one. And don’t forget to garnish with a toasted almond. Pulls the presentation together.

Why does my hand smell like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups?

4…3…2…1… ready or not here I come!

Oh my god… Yahtzee!


It’s the blue light. It gives me such a headache.

Yeah, well, I have to sort all these little papers. So tiny! It’s giving me a way worse headache. It decimated me.

Decimate isn’t a synonym for devastate. Decimate means to reduce by 10 percent. No one uses that word right. Anyway, I’m going to bail for lunch. That’s how bad my headache is. Later, homies!

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